A Little Humor to Start Your Day

So I'm just looking for wedding dresses in a couple different places since Pyramid Collection no longer has the awesome dress that I really wanted. And I'm looking on one website and I just had to click on this thumbnail. I'm not into the dress but I just had to wonder why she would pose in front of what appears to be a giant sculpture of a vagina:

She's also very surly looking for a bride. Maybe she's one of those Bridezillas The Learning Channel warns you about. God I hope I don't turn into a Bridezilla, but I do have 8 months to plan a wedding and doing it as cheap as possible while still looking nice, so I'm warning everyone now that things could get ugly.

Hi! This is Vince with a lawsuit against Scientology

So tonight I've come across the most bizarre bit o' information in the entire interwebs. Thanks to TV personality Olivia Munn's obsession with the SlapChop, I gathered from the comments that Vince, with his buggy eye and unneccesary headset, has an ongoing lawsuit with the Cult -er - Church of Scientology. Sounds made up? Of course it does. But it's a litle too elaborate for someone to make up. And who in their right mind would think ShamWow + Scientology + Underground Comedy Movie + Lawsuit = Awesome rumor

A comment on heyolivia.com led me to this blog -http://skepchick.org/blog/?p=5490 that has the whole story. I googled that shit to confirm it - I mean as much as you can confirm something on the internet (if the same exact story exists in numerous sources - especially reputable sources - it's usually true). You'll have to read the whole thing for yourself, but I'll give you a quick rundown:

His full name is Vince Offer - and that isn't even his REAL name. His real first name is Offer (apparently it's Israeli, he said in an interview his dad was Israeli. Shlomi might be his real last name according to a Scientology website I found but I can't confirm that) and he was a Scientologist. In the 90s he started making The Underground Comedy Movie with a handful of fellow scientologist actors. The Scientologists fucked him over royally in retaliation against the movie and ruined his movie career and his business. So he started selling some kitchen products at flea markets and swap meets until he came across the ShamWow and the SlapChop - both products he outright owns - and began selling them on infomercials. He also realized he could sell the Underground Comedy Movie via infomercial, which despite the fact that it's considered one of the worst movies ever made and is the most offensive movie ever made, has sold very well. So he is using funds raised by the sales of these 3 products to pay for his ongoing lawsuit against the Church of Scientology for almost ruining his movie, ruining his business and nearly ruining his life.

Also, back in the 90s he sued Anna Nicole Smith for backing out of her contract for the movie and the Farrelly brothers for allegedly stealing scenes from Underground Comedy Movie for use in There's Something About Mary. The Farrellys are like "We never even heard of him or his movie"

So buy the ShamWow and the SlapChop. Even by the Underground Comedy Movie if you like extremely crude, offensive b-movie quality sketch comedy. Support a man's right to stand up to a made-up religion for fucking him over. I'll never look at those commercials the same way again

Absorbing the Hate

Heavens to Etsy!

Yeah like I'm not the first person in the history of that website to make that joke. Anyway...

I just made my first Etsy sale! Yay! Some nice gal in Ohio bought my wood bead hemp anklet. I say it's about time, I've had the jewelry up since October. But I guess people are not as quick to purchase something so easy to make as friendship and hemp bracelets. I was sure the guitar pick earrings would sell fast since they're just so sweet but *shrug* I'm hoping the crocheted stuff will start to pick up, especially the amigurumi, because while they are in theory easy to make (most patterns are just single crochet stitches done in a spiral) they're time-consuming to make and frustrating if you lose count or your stitch marker falls out (you don't know how many rows I've had to redo...). Right now I'm working on a slime (from the video game series Dragon Quest aka Dragon Warrior) amigurumi, but this particular one is a late birthday gift for Gahmstead. I'm going to make more though, but I think I'm going to relegate them only to selling at the anime conventions this summer because the person who made the pattern is on Etsy and I don't want her to recognize her pattern and get upset that I'm technically using it for profit. I'm still working on the Waldo scarf. I haven't done much more work on it this week because I was preoccupied doing other things, then I picked up the slime the past 2 nights. But I should get that done soon. Then maybe another Gryffindor scarf while I still have tons of crimson and gold. A better one this time. Maybe I'll copy Flav and do one in the newer style (it's only fair...she copied the Gryffindor scarf from me first LOL) And of course, more amigurumi. I think I'll eventually gain much success selling the amigurumi - especially at conventions. If I can find or come up with patterns for a lot of the more popular anime and video game plushies, they'll sell like hotcakes at the conventions because people would rather buy cheaper handmade ones than the commercial ones that can go for up to $25-$30. I also have to make some more jewelry. I haven't made any since the Christmas gifts I made. Since those take a lot less time, I should just take one evening and crank out a good chunk of earrings and bracelets. The good thing is I have until May to stock up for the first convention (AnimeBoston).

So I mentioned earlier this week that Wig and Gahmstead's band, Umbilical Cord, would be playing at a concert in memory of their friend Joe who died last September. Yeah, well, last night they were told they were not playing. This wouldn't be such a huge kick in the ass if it wasn't planned for months and on top of that, Joe's brother Chris was saying all week how he wanted Wig andGahm to play this one particular song - that they spent all week learning. But Chris wasn't calling the shots, it was his cousin, so I can only surmise that he didn't take Umbilical Cord into consideration when planning the concert. Still, as Joe's brother, Chris could've stepped in and said something. I mean, I don't think any of these bands had a close connection to Joe (although I wouldn't be surprised if they did personally know him, this kid did nothing but go to concerts) and Wig and Gahm were close friends. I wonder if they even tried to get the band Hostile Takeover - they knew Joe really well. Maybe it did have to do with the fact that Umbilical Cord still isn't a full band, but it shouldn't because that hasn't stopped them before and their music can hold its own without a drummer (although it does help). Whatever the reason lies in Joe's cousin, not his brother. I'm actually surprised it was a cousin planning the whole thing, I thought Chris had a lot more to do with it. If he did, this problem would'nt have arisen and we'd have some more material for Umbilical Cord. But shit happens. On the bright side, I have 25 Umbilical Cord business card magnets to give out. So if you want to see a really bizarre band logo on your fridge everyday and be reminded of the website address let me know.

Testy

So after much deliberation about whether to play it safe and apply for a preliminary license or to just go for the initial license, I went for the initial license and paid the damn $100 fee today. I love how it costs less for a license to operate a potentially dangerous vehicle than it does to teach. I guess it's the need for extensive background checks to make sure they're not giving a total pyscho pedophile a teaching license that makes it so steep. I would've had to do it no matter what, so I can't really complain. It's another step completed toward starting an actual career.

Then tonight I took the Jeopardy online test. I didn't do as well as I thought I would. It's all luck of the draw what questions you're gonna get and I got some crappy questions. The thing that sucks the most is that one question was on the author of the book Out of Africa, which was referenced in the book Alex and Me which I JUST READ YESTERDAY!!! and I couldn't remember pseudonym the author wrote it under. And I couldn't run and look it up in Alex and Me because I only had 15 seconds to answer. I don't know when the test results will be sent to me, but I'm not too concerned about whether I passed or not. Even if I passed I still have a very slim chance to actually get on Jeopardy, so I'm not going to get my hopes up. Still, it doesn't hurt to try, so there's always next time they have an online test.

Also, Wig finally ordered my engagement ring today. It kind of loses its surprise and romanticism when I actually picked it out, but we're not very traditional, plus it wasn't going to be much of a surprise anyway. We had decided a long time ago that we were going to get married, it was just a matter of waiting until I was out of college, got a good job, and we could afford to move in together. So I always knew he'd propose, it was just when. Plus I'd rather pick out something I'd like since I'd be wearing it every day for the rest of my life (although I can trust Wig's choices, he knows my tastes). The ring itself isn' a traditional engagement ring either. My sister is making fun of me because A)I had to tell Wig what ring to get and 2) because I picked it out of the Pyramid Collection catalogue and it's only $70. Whatever. It's not how much it's worth, it's what it symbolizes. We wouldn't even bother with a ring and a proposal since we're already definitely getting married, but I like to be a little traditional and I want a new piece of jewelry to mark this milestone in our relationship.

Which brings me to another point, Wig and I have always wanted to keep the anniversary of our first date, September 9, as our wedding date. Last year we were saying how cool it would be to get married on 9/9/09 but I was trying to think realistically about cost and planning and wanting to be able to move in with my new husband after the wedding and not being able to afford all that just 9 months from now. But when the topic came up again last week, Wig was adamant about having that date and said he'd do anything he could to make it happen. So save the date, it's likely I'll be getting married on 9/9/09. It's going to be a medium-small ceremony. I want most of my family and friends there, but it doesn't have to be fancy, extravagant or expensive. Ironically, my mom also brought up the fact that she knows an aging Justice of the Peace that has a large gazebo in his backyard and has offered to marry me and/or Heather. I think my mom knows him because he's a patient at the office she works at. She had mentioned him years ago and I forgot until she brought it up again last Sunday, saying that we (my sister and I) need to get married before he kicks the bucket so we could use his gazebo. Then we could have the reception at Anthony's or the Marconi Club which are both owned by family. And my dress doesn't have to be more than $100. I want something medieval or Victorian looking - something just from another time. There are a couple dresses from Pyramid Collection I like, but I'm not above checking out David's Bridal and their $99 sales. I don't know what I'd do for my bridesmaids. I still want a maid of honor and bridesmaids because there's my sister, Wig's sister, my cousin and my closest and oldest friends I'd like to be part of the ceremony. I'm definitely not going to make them wear ugly dresses, I promise. So I got some planning to do. I hope I can pull it off. If not this year, next year is definite.

But on that note, I leave you with a quote from Zoidberg on Futurama "I've had it with this game. I'm going for a scuttle."

Paul Geary doesn't have it this hard

So Wig and Gahmstead have a gig this coming Friday. It'll be the first performance for Umbilical Cord since Medford High's "Night of Noise" (a battle of the bands type show hosted by the Gay/Straight Alliance who were nothing but a bunch of whiny "I have to have things my way" fuckheads) in Gahm's seinor year. The show is a memorial concert for their friend Joe Tilton, who died unexpectedly of a heart attack last September. This show is something Joe's family - specifically his brother and cousin - has been trying to get going since the wake, and it's finally been set for Friday, January 30th at 7PM at the Sons of Italy in Woburn. Umbilical Cord is not the only band playing, and the big problem is I can't get any other information about the show. Is it open to the public or is it just family and friends? Is there a cover charge? Is there a website or information on MySpace? Who else is playing? And Wig was supposed to ask Chris, Joe's brother and Chris said he didn't have any new information, but that's because Wig's an idiot and didn't ask the right questions. But there's nothing on the Joe memorial MySpace page, Chris' MySpace page is private, there's nothing on Joe's cousin's MySpace page and Sons of Italy doesn't have a website. How are you a business and not have a website in the 21st century? So now I'm doing my job as Miss "Behind the Scenes of Umbilical Cord" doing the not-so-fun stuff that keeps the band running. As unofficial temporary manager and official PR and Promotions and Everything-Else person I got to keep the website updated and do publicity and promotional advertisement and such. Which means I'm now on a wild goose chase for information on the show - at least until Wig gets out of work tonight and I can talk to him and see if he got any more details out of Chris. But it looks like I got some headway now - I found the MySpace pages of a couple of the other bands playing at the show: a Godsmack cover band called Smack This and a Stone Temple Pilots cover band called Big Bang Baby. Smack This had a picture of the show's flyer on their page but it was too small to read all the band names and details. But now I know at least 3 other bands that are playing and that the cover is $20. So if you like metal, knew Joe, and aren't doing anything Friday night and have 20 bucks, come see the show. More information will be available at www.umbilicalcordtheband.com either tonight or tomorrow.

Nap-tastic and bird talk

*yawn* My body enjoys sleep too much. My mind's all like, "Wake up!" and my body goes "No! Too comfy, roll over!" At least I have an excuse for my extensive napping the past two days - I picked up an early-morning stock shift both yesterday and today (6AM-10AM) which means I had to get up at 4AM two days in a row. It's just tough to get back up when you've been cozy dozy for a few hours.

So I'm reading a book my grandmother got me about Alex, the African Grey parrot that for the last 30 years proved that parrots can do more than just mimic, they can understand what they're talking about. It's a real interesting read, even if you're not into parrots. It's extremely funny and some parts are sad since this was written by Alex's ower and trainer, Irene Pepperberg, after Alex died in Sept of 2007 at the somewhat young for a parrot age of 31. (African Greys can live to be 50). It also reminds me of my parrots, Squawker and Chicky, who we adopted off to other people when our hectic lives caused them attention deprivation. Chicky didn't care too much cuz she was kind of a loner for a bird. She enjoyed attention but didn't need it, whereas Squawker needed 24 hour attention as most breeds of conure do. He eventually started self-plucking, a very common psychological disorder in captive birds. The good thing is that both birds are very happy in their new homes. Chicky lives with my dad's friend/coworker/my mom's cousin's husband's parents literally two blocks away so we could actuall visit her if we wanted to (Dave's parents actually paid for the gender testing to confirm my suspicions all these years that Chicky was female, even though we referred to her as a he all that time cuz we weren't sure and was going by her previous owner's assumptions) Squawker is with a man who owns numerous other parrots in a small private aviary, so not only does he have an owner who can give him a lot of proper attention, he has feathered friends now to keep him entertained. I forget where he lives but it's someplace kind of far but not too far, like New Hampshire, or the North Shore or western Mass.

But anyway, Chicky wasn't much of a talker, she could say "Hi!" and would repeatedly to anyone who walked in the door. Her forte was sound effects including everyone's favorite zipper impression. Squawker knew various phrases, but he didn't have the same intelligence as Alex. He was smart on his own level, though. While I don't think he had a full understanding of what he was saying, he was observant enough to see the cues of when certain phrases were said. For example, he would go on a squawking spree and then spontaneouly tell himself to "shut up!" or say "how are you?" to someone who just walked in the door (although he would also start saying "how are you" randomly to get people's attention. He'd also scream "Cut the shit!" if anyone was arguing. But he was smart enough to convey his wants, needs and feelings in other ways when he didn't know the words. He had a specific squawk for different wants, fears or if a sound went off (ie, the phone ringing squawk, the "OMG THERE'S A VACUUM CLEANER!!" squawk, "I want whatever you're eating" squawk and the "Play with me!" squawk.) So he basically taught us the proper response to his squawks the way we'd teach him to talk...But he had a personality unlike any other pet bird I've known. He tried to be as human as possible. He even mimicked laughter whenever we laughed. (He confused sobbing with laughter too which sometimes lightened up sad situations. Imagine bawling your eyes out, but this mitred conure's sitting in the corner chuckling). He loved music, and would actually headbang to hard rock. He particularly liked Back in Black by AC/DC, Wango Tango by Ted Nugent and Little Willy by Sweet. He was also a very affectionate bird. He trusted and loved my dad the most, mainly because he had the longest relationship with him. Ever since his previous owner, a cowork of my dad's, brought him to work all the time, Squawker took to my dad. One event sealed this trust. Danny brought Squawker to work and said "Look I clipped his wings!" and Squawker took off flying. This was when my dad still worked at a car dealership on the Malden/Melrose line and Squawker flew to the nearby Mt Hood Golf Course. Everyone took off following him and found him in a tree on the golf course. Squawker was so terrified he bit the hell out of Danny when he tried to get him out of the tree. Squawker would only go to my dad for some reason. So when Danny moved to Maine and had no working heat for the first 6 months in his new home, my dad was the first and only choice for bird sitter. Squawker quickly took to my mom and me in that time too. He moved back with Danny for about a year or two until Danny's girlfriend (Squawker and Lisa mutally hated each other) had enough and Squawker came back to live with us permanently (while Squawker was back with Danny, we got another mitred conure, Buddy who was retarded and shortly after went to live with a lady in a wheelchair and Chicky to fill the void Squawker left). In the 6-8 years we had Squawker, he really took to my mom and he gained a lot of trust in me too. The only one he didn't really like was Heather. He'd chase her whenever he was out of his cage (even upstairs, it was funny to see her run screaming up the stairs and then see him slowly pull himself up). But he loved to play with us and he'd show his affection by climbing up to your shoulder and nuzzling you with his beak. He had his neuroses like a lot of birds: he had an obsession with towels, and they were a security blanket of sorts. He loved burrowing under them and playing with him, if you couldn't get him to climb on your arm or go back in his cage you could scoop him up with a towel, and it was the only thing you could hold him with when he was getting his wings clipped. Also, he would snap if you made any strange noises and snap at you; if you were a few feet away when you made the noise he'd charge at you with his beak open ready to bite. It was kind of funny. Dr Pepperberg's relationship with Alex, who learned to say "I'm sorry" and "I love you" and mean it just gets me reminiscing about Squawker, even though he wasn't much like Alex. Squawker just had such a unique personality. Even if I got another mitred conure it wouldn't be the same. You'd have to be a bird aficionado to really understand though.

Anyway, that's enough rambling about parrots. I'm going to Friday's with Flav in a little bit and probably going to work on some crafts and get some good pictures of my Gryffindor scarf. So yay.

Crafty Craft

So I FINALLY finished the Brain Slug and posted it today on Etsy. I would've posted the long-waiting jumbo Gryffindor scarf tonight too but it's tough to get a decent picture of myself modelling the scarf even with the self-timer. I can only put the camera on top of my TV or my Wii to get the right height when using the self-timer and the light's reflected in the poster behind me causing crappy glare. So I'm gonna ask Flav tomorrow or Wig Wednesday to help me get better pics, then I'll post that. The Gryffindor scarf only took so long to post in the first place because I initially wanted to make a matching hat and mittens and sell it as a set - differentiate it from the dozens of other Gryffindor scarves on the site. But I wasn't happy with the mitten pattern I had and was too busy with other projects and holiday stuff to look for patterns so at this point I'm like "fuck it" and am just going to sell the scarf by itself. But I've been preoccupied with work and random shit so I got to get cracking on crafting. Especially since I got to look for a full-time job to afford to pay these student loans and once I get another job I'll probably have less time. Right now I'm finishing projects too slowly, I gotta get on the ball. I also need to make some new jewelry, I haven't made anything since before Christmas. But that stuff is quick to make so I should be able to chug out a bunch of pieces in one day. So expect to finally see some more action on my Etsy.